i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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