Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
