I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
