why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
