i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
