I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
