i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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