Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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