I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
