eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
