Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Randomize
