I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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