I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
