i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
