Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize