There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize