i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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