oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Randomize
