plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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