I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize