I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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