Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
