my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize