I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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