Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Randomize
