There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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