all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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