My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
How does one acquire holy water?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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