Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
