So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
