shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
