you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
