im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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