Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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