I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
