Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
