So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
