I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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