bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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