my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
We're not piercing ourselves today.
me + whiskey = a bad person
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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