I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
