i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize