Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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