When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
