Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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