if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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