You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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