in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
