eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
