Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
