Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
