I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
