Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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