I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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