There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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