he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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