I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
