Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
