You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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