Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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