Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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