Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
