Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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