States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
