I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
