I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
