So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
