Just fell off a train. Bad.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
