I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
